I’m half-Italian and half-Polish. So I’m always putting a hit out on myself.

My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, “Just wait.”

You can’t get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn’t exist.

Friends are just enemies who don’t have enough guts to kill you...

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you....

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?